I wish..

I would drop on the floor and beg for you not to go. But you left me so tied up. It's unfair. With you, it always is.. I didn't ask for anything other than truth. After all those moments that we've been through, it sucks to know that you'd just walk away from me with no emotions. Yes, i know that i shouldn't be saying this cause i called it off the first time, but you should know very well why. Not out of hatred, but because i wanted you to know that you might lose me if you went on with all the crap you did. But now, you just walked away. Is this revenge? Does it make you feel any better? Tell me. Cause i deserve to know this, at least. You don't know how much you put me through and now, you're just back to your normal life. Don't tell me that you are sobbing away all night, cause i know that is not you. You'd stay sad when you think of me, then its you all over again. Even after all the thing, i still had the courtesy to ask you if you were alright, and all i got was silence. I swear, it's unfair. Nothing will be okay, and it's not easy to say. The pain will never fade, cause you let it go.

When all that you've tried, leaves nothing but holes inside. 

Just wash it off.

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason i have trust issues. 

How many times do you want to tell the world your problem? I mean, okay, you need to talk, so? Done, get over it. The point of "wanting to talk to someone", is so you can get the burden off. But telling one after another? It's not the pain that's bothering you, its just that you're wanting to show the world how much, you so called "don't care" about the thing you're always complaining about, so people can go, "aww, what a pity". Get a grip, seriously. You complain about the world, and how they are so off their track, and careless about things, have you ever wondered what you're like? Have you ever wondered what if you were treated they way you treat them? Obviously you'd deny it. Because you're so driven into this whole "nice person" act, you can't even see past your own makeup. Say all you want. Threaten me all you can. Cause to you, i'm just messed up. List down all the people you've bitched about, and cursed with anger. Not one would stand beyond the line. WASH THE DAMN MAKEUP OFF YOUR FACE. You're not going to get anything out of being this person you are now. Your lies, are all out in front. Your backstabbing words are shining bright. Things that you thought i didn't know, i know them now. I made a big mistake, believing that this would never come up. It only never came up because i never made a big deal out of it. You make scenes like you're in a movie. Why did you have to become this, this thing. It's such a pity. From who they thought you we're and to who you are becoming. It's too late, i mean it. I gave up, on trying to get people to stick to who they are, and i'm especially tired of going through this shit over and over again with you. I respect you, and your decisions. So go on, make use of someone else, i quit. I'll get used to it.

This is it. It's just that.

I promised i wont be the one. I promised we'll work things out. I promised.. I'm sorry. It hurts, and it stings. But i know that you are the only one that i can feel this way for, ever. I've become so numb. Through your lies, and words. Through their commands, and rules. I've become this walking corpse. I promise this is the last. I don't need any of this. I'm sorry for the pain i caused. I'm sorry i lead you on. But if you believe it being meant to be, then you're on my side. I'll come for that day. I promise you this.

All the right words. 

It's this bad right now.

                 When you least expect things to happen, that's when they do. Let it be good, or bad, it still happens as it wish.

                      I want to cry so hard right now, but i can't. Guess this is life. No one will come to help. And in this war, its you and the world. I miss you so much. But i know i just can't go back there. I want to blame you, but i know you're not the only one in fault. I wish things we'rent this way, and everything was easier. I wish my life didn't need no one to depend on, but now its just a lesson i need to learn. Over stressing myself with things i don't want to look at. It's such a pathetic life. Here i am, in my college computer lab, the same way i was, 5 years back, feeling lost with regrets in front of my computer. My faith is shaking. I need to know, so many things. And i know i can't never get the answers no matter how hard i search. Then there's you, and me. With problems unsolved. Words unspoken. And lies, you'd never admit. What did i do, right? It's stupid to think that once i almost believed in forever. That guy was right, it'll never last if it was not meant to be, yet i fought. Look where it brought me. Yes, i've neglected so many people. Yes, i feel like a worthless friend, but look at you. You never did that great yourself either. I admit i was being so reluctant, but you never tired. You never gave in the chance to yourself to believe that you we're once in that situation when i met you. I was always there, guess you never knew how to look. I miss it all. And i wish i could back into time, to change the mistakes i made. To start new. Not from where i am.

             P.s: You'll never know what i really meant.

Alone.

Can you imagine yourself, sitting in the computer lab, all alone, during your lunch beak, staring at the screen, feeling hungry, and you can't find one nice soul that would even want to be friends with you? It's exactly whats happening now. Tried. And still trying. I'm in the verge of giving up. And this is where i'm at. Blog. Why can't people be more sociable? I mean, what are you going to lose trying to even return a smile? It's misery. Especially when you know that at one point you were at a better place, and then you move, and made the wrong decision even when there were voices telling you not to. It's pathetic. To know that you were once at the same spot shining and feeling like a magnet, from your personality.. Hope this misery will find it's exit.

When the power takes control, even the word power doesn't have control of itself.

Suddenly you feel the world fail on you. And in actual fact, it wasn't the world, but the one thing that meant the world to you. It was a mistake, i admit. But i know you'll wait for me. I know that we're meant to be. Just because some ritual says we're not going to be the way we planned it, doesn't mean we have to stick to what's written. This thing i'm doing, its for something that means my life. And even if you are a part of it, i just feel like, a mistake with you can be erased, but a mistake with my world, will end my existence. I believe in destiny, and if we were destined to be together, i know we will meet along the corner where two worlds connect. Till then, i just need you to know that, this is temporary. Till you find yourself and i find truth. Je taime.

FML.

No. NO. NO. So when will i get a YES for an answer? Its my damn future you guys are playing with FYI.

Ooops!

I am better off dead.

Peut-être qu'un jour elle va comprendre notre amour.

Sometimes, there's no one in the world to blame, other then yourself. And half the time, i guess, i just like being the one taking the blame. Afterall, i am the one to be blamed. Sorry if you're reading this, but im guessing not, cause i doubt that you'd even know my url. She's judgemental. She's impossible. But one thing i understand is that, she feels like that little boy that used to follow her around, and be her shopping buddy is all grown up. He's living a life that she should accept and try and fit into, but instead you're giving him a hard time, by cursing and making him your house mate. You're lucky that he didn't go with the one that said, get out of the house, curse your mother, and live another life, scream back at her. Talk, try and explain.. Try and understand her, she's your mother. Does that sound like a bitch that is wanting to fucking run away with your son and make him a drug addict? Why can't people understand? I mean, is it so hard to just sit and listen to what one has to say before going around making nasty comments on others which you seemingly think that happens to be spoiling your son's life, image...ect. When you explain, things get better. Proven to work. And why isnt this working with you? What is it that you really want in life? Happiness? Education? Hell, im not sitting at home waiting to get wasted. I want to be someone too, be educated, to be rich, and happy. With a family that is going to be proud of me in the end. And it starts with ENCOURAGING. Not dissing him in public, to random passer by and to your relatives. Don't you see what you're doing? I really wish you'd change, cause in the end, you're going to regret not being able to do all of these for him. I really wish. Hurts to know that he's hurting, but hurts even more to know that you wont get it.

In the end, its love that matters. :)

I'm just gonna run right through the rain.

Memories, supposed to fade. What's wrong with your heart?

Sigh.

You won't get it, if i explained it to you, and you'll never feel it because i've never made you feel that way.

Only if you had the time, to actually check on me, everything would be alright. It's all wishful thinking.

Then again, someone comes, and tells me that i'm crazy.

After a while, you'll learn the difference between holding a hand and falling in love. You'll learn that kisses don't always mean something. Promises can be broken just as easily as they were made.

And as hard as it is to believe, sometimes goodbyes are meant forever.

♥

Why am i always here?

The littlest things that makes people happy. :)

I took the road to Singapore with Vee, and had a hell of a great time, and well did manage to get my paperwork for "education" done. It was a long journey cause i took a bus there alone, but it was worth it. I travelled 4 hours, along the green roads and had a long time to think things over. The green view made me realise what i was missing out on. Life isn't just about having someone, or having to do something to please you. But its the experience. Sometimes people just do things for the sake of fitting into the "jungle" they live in, and maybe i did that too. Along the way, i realised that, everything i do, is to please everyone and everything around me, but me. I never knew why i did that, cause, i don't see what i get from doing all that i have. I just wanna be able to say no to something i don't agree to. Say that i just don't want to do it, when i don't want to. I just want to get out of this situation of always doing something cause, i think that they'd expect me to do that. Sick and tired of being a puppet. It's not who i am, and i know i keep getting myself hurt by going on with it. Life is so much more then all "that". Family comes first, and then comes my best friend and my soul-sister. Not to sound like I'm the best person in this world, i just know there is this one person is whom I'll never give up in life, no matter what shit we are put through. Someone that would give up anything to just keep me happy. No matter how much it'll hurt, to tell me that I'm wrong and I'm supposed to do this something right. If you think that its easy to fit in the spot, then you're it. But i just want you to know that, it will take you a lot to take over that place, cause, there never is a spot with that space. You can just be what you want to be, and i wouldn't bother you. But someday you'll realise that you're too late, cause you can say that i mean this and that, i cry and weep, but you'll never be able to do it. Cause that's the difference between me and you. I put the world on hold, but you just put me on hold for the world that keeps you on hold. Wake up, cause i tried everything. I guess i just have to wait for you to watch the scenes of, "I'm too late". This is one long post after forever. Everything was supposed to be better, now I'm surprised. I'm just scared that I'm going to be "wrong" again, like how i always am. Words are just words, unless you put them to action. Dig that fucking hole you buried. I'm done. All i care about is my future, and what my instincts say. I just don't want to be that shadow that's stepped on. I'm going to be me, and see if you can handle that. Then again for what I've been through, you should go through that, and maybe then you'd know how much this actually can hurt. I just want my life back, i don't want to go back to the spot where i was. I just need to find myself, and i think, maybe i just did. I love my grandpa, and now, i have another. A whole family that accepted me in a second after seeing my face. It's something not everyone can, and is willing to do. I'm lucky, and these are the things that i should care about. Not getting hurt, and crying all night long. Life is a long road, but what comes along the road, is just little things that you take, if you wish to. Leave it, if it adds on to the weight. So many other things that i should care about, and for someone who doesnt know that this part of me exists, you don't deserve any of me. Adios.

Little things..

I want you to hug me from behind, unexpectedly.

I want you to give me your hoodie when I`m cold.

I want you to hold me and keep me warm.

I want you to cuddle with me and watch movies together.

I want you to kiss me in the rain.

I want you to hold my hands and play with my fingers.

I want you to play with my hair.

I want you to take amazing photos with me.

I want you to come to my house and meet my family.

I want you to lay on my bed with me and just hold me.

I want you to let me dress you up and make you look silly.

I want you to watch sunrise with me.

I want you to give me piggy back rides daily.

I want you to kiss my nose.

I want you to wipe my tears away.

I want you to tell me that you miss me already even if we were together five minutes ago.

I want you to drop everything and hug me tight.

I want you to take me on a picnic.

I want you to snuggle with me in the movie theaters.

I want you to squeeze me as hard as you can when you hug me.

I want you to smile every single time you see me.

I want you to talk to me, when i ask you not to.

I want you to say i love you, when i say i hate you.

I want you to know how much I love you.

I just want you.

P.s: I just want you to know, that when i say things, i really do mean it.



Cause there'll be no sunlight..

It pushed me through the misery knowing that something great waits for me at the end of the road. Imagine a glass is what you are, and you're walking all the way to the finishing end, and someone throws a rock at you, its like there was no use for you to have come that far, when the whole reason why you were walking the road was shattered into pieces? This is what life is. Things happen, and you just have to deal with it, i guess. Cause i know, that this is not the end. I know what pain is, but i'll strive to get what i deserve. I will.

I hate this right now, and i wish i had you beside me to get me through this misery, but i guess its just wishful thinking. I guess no one is to be blamed for this, but its truly unfair.

Missed you too much already. I just wish i could walk away from this. 

I give up.

There's no one waiting..

What am i supposed to do, when the best part of me, is always you. What am i supposed to say, when i'm all chocked up, and you're okay?

♥

Cause i'm shouting your name all over the town.

Even though..

Hello dead blog. Well, you're not so dead. So, there's always a reason why i'm here. :) The weird feeling where you feel like the only way you can make someone believe you, is by asking them to watch you secretly, and not let you know, is hitting me now. : / I dont know if i said that right, but yeah. People tell me that i'm thinking too much. People tell me that maybe i'm just over-reacting. But i don't think im making myself feel this way.. The reason why i react this way, is because, half the time, what i say, are just words that make no sense. It sucks when the only person that can make you feel better is also the reason why you always cry.. Like, most of the time. :( No matter how busy you are, im sure you can spare that one minute that you sit and breathe for someone if you really wanted to. :( Being tired and everything is understandable, but reallyy. Not once. When you say sorry, you should really mean it and try not to have to say it again. Cause, what is the difference if "sorry" is what saves your ass everytime when you're wrong. I can't go through this with you being a thousand miles away from me. Fork this feeling gosh.

I'm still in love, but all i heard was nothing..

P.s: The difference between her and I? I would do anything for you & she would have done anything to you..

Mixed emotions.

If you needed me for that, then eff you. :) Cause, i'm tired of people like you. Thought you were nice. So good luck, goodbye.

<3

And you, i really do miss you, and i really wish you were here. Miss what we usually do on this date every month. Sucks so bad. And, you're always gone when i need you most.

ily.

P.s: My life, my problems. So say whatever, but this time, to my face. :)