The angles are all wrong now, she's ripping wings off of butterflies..

"She lives in a fairy tale, somewhere too far for us to find.." 

Cause no one will understand what you truly went through, everyone will judge, and some will pretend they understand. When they generalize pain, why is there "small" and "big" problems, when all that it is, are problems. What do we believe in, when all that we believe is fables and dreams that brings you the shivers. I don't get it. I won't get it. Looking forward to the year, new year, new dreams and hopes.. hoping.. for? Somewhere, somehow. Looking at those perfect people, perfect lives, they might have sorrows. But, why does it make you feel so inferior? I need to change. I need to change, for myself.

If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh, even in the dark
And that's where I want to be.

Immature.

Talk about wanting to be in the center of attention. What happened to we'll have each others back even if one betrays? Your words are plain, action-less, and words of what they call, "forsake". Look at yourself, before wanting to judge others. Immaturity isn't going to get you any far from where you are now, cause well.. i guess that's how much your brain has grown to be in the years of your life. :) How i wish i could link you to this. First impression is always the best, and boy i was so right about you. 

Am i tripping back on what i walked pass?

Am i? 

Choosing what to feel. Is that how things work in the real world? Messing words up in your head, trying to get it phrased right before saying it. Aren't we living the idea of the universe that controls all doings and leave us with one choice, fate. Dwelling back on what used to be, being told over and over makes you actually wonder if that is what you really feel. Do i? Does it? Every morning we wake up hoping that we feel better, slowly forgetting what used to hurt, moving on to what makes us feel alive. Then you feel like this isn't reality. And you sit there, thinking why did we choose to let this happen. And then what if it does, happen again? What if? Why does the brain work in such a way, leaving you in the mid of a horror movie with no end; there's literally no way out.

Help me find a way out, don't mix my path up.

Itstimetoletitgo..

You appear just like a dream to me..

Yeah, when my world is falling apart,

When there's no light to break up the dark..

That's when I, I, I look at you..

You appear just like a dream to me,

Just like kaleidoscope colors that cover me,

All I need, every breath that I breathe,

Don't you know, you're beautiful..

Choked up with words.

I never can, and never will truly hate you.

Saying stupid things. Being a real pain. Sometimes, i wish i could really kill you for the things you say. 

Hating you isn't going to make things any better. And not talking to you, makes me feel worse every time you try to make it up to me. Why? Cause we're blood bonded. As much as i can hate over you, my love is much stronger than what i can hate you with. From the bad things i wish i could say, to the things i complain about.. you are one person who can instantly swing my mood to the best to the worst. You say that i say things to the world, the worse things.. but you should ask them how much i really talk highly of how you are, when all you think i say is the bad things.. You are the one i look up to, forced to i can say. But i choose to. And i don't regret. Cause i did learn a lot. With you, things are the worst in so many different ways, cause you just know the ways to hurt me with your painful words. But when you come begging for help, i just can't help but feel like i don't want to, and the next minute, i just sit there, finishing where i left by saying no, cause in the end, you are my priority. You say i choose the rest of this part of my life, well.. i am left with no choice cause i've seen too much that i shouldn't have which left me wounded.. If i had you to talk to, and rant to.. i wouldn't need the other company to sob to. You should know that more than anything in this world, this part of my life means the most to me. My future is us growing up together, all the painful memories that we shared, including the happy ones, cause they over power the bad ones anytime. For the love of sisterhood, i have to say, as much as i willingly want to hate you, my heart just won't find the space to let the hate in. I guess god left us that way.. Sorry for the times i wish you just left me alone, i didn't mean them. You'd probably never see this, but at least it makes me feel good that i got to say it somewhere. Yeah, i love you. But sometimes i wish you knew how to say things. Who cares. I made my point, you're always important to me, as much as i bitch about you. I never bad mouthed about you to third people. Only to those i share my feelings to. So if that seemed wrong, i'm sorry. 

To the words that are never said, cheers!

"Big Dreams" they say..

To dreams and desire?

I'm sorry, Previta, but concerning your dream job, did you want a salary,  royalties, commissions... or all three?  How many weeks vacation are you expecting?  Are you willing to share the New York apartment?  Oh, and should your London assistant speak French? Or will your  French be sufficient by then?  Helps to have a plan, mais oui?     The Universe And who will you groom to cover for you, Previta, once you start  to inspire people through your art and become rich?

Ahbieeeee.

Here i go, scream my lungs out, trying to get to you, you are my only one. I let go, cause there's just no one that gets me like you do, you are my only one. 

If there is one wish i made come true, that was you, cause you made all the other wish seem possible. And you're my only one. I love you, and i promise there's no turning back in this. 

You're my IT.

When the past haunts your "happily ever after" where do you turn to?

Sometimes, you wish you could turn back time..

One mistake and you walk around feeling like you have a board hung on your neck, walking the hall of shame.. i didn't ask for it, no one does. So being in love, and having things happened makes someone perfect? Perfection? Who ever created that? I don't want to be perfect, no one is. When you're in love, everything you do is just right, so right that nothing ever comes in the book of wrong doings, but when shits happen, the whole world looks at you like you've murdered a whole nation. Why? Why do we live by the stereotypical mind, believing that perfection does exist? 

I'm sorry i can't be perfect.

fuck perfection

You're the harmony to every song i sing..

I've never been happier..

31 July, 2013.. 3:18 am

31 days, 31 reasons why i love you..

the way you make me feel so alive
your jokes that are endless
how you think I'm beautiful even if I'm a mess
the way you look into my eyes
the way your face lights up when you see me
your words that make me jelly
the way you kiss my funny nose
your hands that are always so warm
the way you hold me tight
your "cuteness"
your light-brown eyes
the way you can make me laugh, even when you're not around
your sudden craziness in train rides
the way you push me to the safe zones on the road
your fingers between mine
your need to bash any kid that comes near me, gangster
the way you are cuddly even with your friends around
the way you describe me
your voice that keeps me sane
how you assure me that I am the one
the stubble on your face
how you panic when you don't hear from me when I'm away
the way you tell me everything about your day
how protective you are
your future that became ours
the fact you proved that you can carry me despite my insecurities of my weight
the butterflies that i get when you say something sweet
the way you adore my laugh
how proud you are of me, as i am of you
for listening to all my nonsense
the way you love me, like no other

because... you're everything I've ever hoped for, baby..

To a month, and many more to come. 

Hand me a dagger, will you?

Ungrateful?

Sorry if i turn out to be the worse of what you think i am, but i guarantee you that you'd never find someone who's carried so much weight in her heart for the pain of others. How is it fair that you judge me by what i made of, in one day? You think it's easy to sit home, and listen to all the arguments and feel like it doesn't matter when that's the only cause to my over born stress and aches? I care. And i don't need you to be the judge of what i care about cause you can't read my feelings, and you never will. Fight all you want. Judge me all you can. But one day i'll wake up, making you feel like you were wrong about what you said, and i'm sorry. Because i'll never be the best of what you want me to be, but i can be the best of what i can be. 

Fighting for someone who proves you wrong, every single time. 

Give me a break. Are you even noticing what I've given up for you? To much space leads to over bearing power, control, and suddenly, you're not you anymore. You care too much, only to realize you forget to care about yourself. 

A puppet, with strings to be pulled. 

You can't fucking please everyone. 

Dream big, because dreams do happen..

When the fear of "things staying the same" exceeds the fear of "failure," Previta, stuff happens. 

If you could see how well things will be going for you, Previta, you'd probably be skipping every day.

Ch-ch-changes...

    The Universe

Why do you make everything sound so possible. Why? Because you know? Or because you want me to push to the limits, and break them? Tell me, if you're waiting to watch me shatter, i'd take my precautions because even if i do shatter, i will pick those pieces up and build it, much stronger. 

Oh, i see what you did there. 

Hold tight, ♥

A fairy-tale come true maybe? 

Wooden chairs, coiled vine roots, with pretty flowers at every end, calm and chilled.. with the most amazing surprise. Who knew cocoa came with golden labels. So cliche. Snuggling through a horror scene.. Feeling like there's no one else in the story except for herself and her imagination of her dream. Back to back, time to time, burst of happiness and so much emotions. It sounds like a movie. She got lucky, cause her wait paid off, to a stubby prince sweeping her off her feet, showing her what reality feels like. Like sleeping beauty, with a little twist. There's never a right time for something perfect, because in life, the best and worst things happen when we least expect it. She listened and believed everything life taught, hoping that something better will only come, when she finds herself. But who knew, it took a not-so-short elf to make all that sound like a fable. Cinderella was tortured..hiding from a glass slipper, she found her prince. Beast believed in love, when he cried over his wilting rose. Snow White, awakened to a kiss of her true love.. and Little Mermaid with a choice between her love and her origins. Well, here on earth, we just believe that something could be it. 

It's an unwritten fairy-tale, because.. happily ever after, is what you make it.

Get out, right now. It's the end of you and me.

You take my hand, and you say you've changed

But boy you know you're begging don't fool me

Because to you it's just a game

So let me on down

Cause time has made me strong

I'm starting to move on

I'm gonna say this now

Your chance has come and gone

And you know

It's just too little too late

A little too wrong

And I can't wait

Boy you know all the right things to say

You say you dream of my face

But you don't like me

You just like the chase

To be real, it doesn't matter anyway

You know it's just too little too late..

Bipolar.

So convincing, it scares me..

PHILOPHOBIA

the fear of falling in love

Some things come unexpected..

Dreams and desire.

Are you a part of this plan of mine? 

She said,

If you go first and reach for the fruit; I'll shake the tree.

Do a little dance; I'll add some music.

Move in the direction of your dreams, even though at first nothing seems to happen; I'll align the stars, butter your bread, connect the dots, trim the hedge, move some mountains, float the boat, and see you at the ball.

Metaphorically. Except for seeing you at the ball.

If you go first, 
    The Universe

Rest in peace, Sonic.

You were a cutie, so quiet, yet the cutest thing at home. Fat little, creature, so harmless yet everyone was afraid of you. Sorry Sonic, if you felt like you didn't get enough attention.. We loved you as much. Don't doubt that. We really love you.. It's going to be sad, to walk pass the kitchen looking at the empty cage. It's okay.. You're at a better place now, i know you couldn't take the heat here too.. See you at the rainbow bridge someday!  Love you, little one.. It's depressing that you're gone, for good, but you're at a better place. I love you, Sonic. Gonna miss you so badly. :'( 

It's depressing that you're gone, for good, but you're at a better place. I love you, Sonic. Gonna miss you so badly. :'( 

Insomnia?

Or maybe, it's just a mania. 

..missing you, a bit?

I am convinced..

It's barely possible to adapt to something, knowing that the past made you feel so good.. and everything about it was too good to be true. From the missing-s, and yearning-s.. We all knew that things don't last forever..

And we gave up.

Then something else comes along, breaks your trust all over, and slaps you in the face, tells you that nothing in this world is ever going to be perfect.. Because being perfect not only gives you the fear that you might lose yourself in the process.. Being so afraid, you walk away from the traumatic memory, trying to forget it all, forget being taken advantage of, forget that you're nothing but a material.. forget that all.. to walk into reality, convinced that you're not over the past, because nothing will ever be what you had. Walking in the cold feeling, crying for help, barely able to move, cause you're that broken.. lost attachment, lost it all.. and you wake up.

Perfection?

But why? Why is it so important that you are perfect?

What if the imperfections are the reason why something so hard, yet rare to find, appears to be just thaaaat perfect. No matter how much your heart never saw what it had to offer, you believe that something else was much better than what you have, right under your nose. Searching high and low, to come back to what's always been there, for you to dig up, and reminisce. Your memories teach, your present prevents, and your future.. has just begun.

When you let yourself believe that you have the space to be imperfect is when you start seeing things as perfect.

Don't say it..

“I've never forgotten him. Dare I say I miss him? I do. I miss him. I still see him in my dreams. They are nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. Such is the strangeness of the human heart. I still cannot understand how he could abandon me so unceremoniously, without any sort of goodbye, without looking back even once. The pain is like an axe that chops my heart. ” 
― Yann Martel - Life of Pi

“Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting.”

Take me somewhere. Somewhere.. far away from this damned earth.

Trembling, shaking in fear, to the thoughts of these inhumane act.. 

I want to cry.

When Tsunami hit, people were in fear. Fear to die, because there were too many things un-achieved.. because they couldn't bear the thought of watching their family die, right in front of their eyes. It should have. The world should have ended, so a whole new world could have been formed, free of pain, free of these brutal act that some countries even legalized. Fuck you. Because you'd not let your daughter or son become a victim of rape, but it's okay to let the animals suffer and die, the way the poor fella, on the picture above died. How is it fair? How is it fair to just, be human, and act brutally towards these innocent creature, with no words to explain how they feel.. You can scream, plead, and complain the fuck about what you went though, and bring them to justice for something so small.. but this angel gets raped, killed even.. with no voice to speak it's feelings? How are we even eligible to be called humans, when the word humanity describes a noble person, who acts with kindness.. when all you do, is use the name, human, and check your list, on doing all the things that you were not even taught. How are you people so heartless? Where is the love? 

Fuck you. Just, fuck you all!

Tonight, i'm wishing..

    We used to argue over two things that seemed so far apart, dreams and desire. Then we fell apart, only to realize they're both the same thing, with two separate intentions. How can someone convince you that what you feel is surreal, and that it's just a phase of life? How could you be so sure that they knew your life better? Let go, chase after what's yours, even if it means hurting someone.. cause you'd rather live the guilt of hurting them for now, then letting them believe they're living a life, which you know.. is a lie. Don't let someone walk up to you, and make you believe that dreaming big is only going to break your heart.. cause if you're not dreaming big, then what are you even dreaming for?

Even when you both knew that it was all so wrong, why did it feel so right when you made it that far? Cause dreams are meant to make you believe, that no matter how the world judges, only He has the power to say it's wrong. Don't let your dream down, cause right now, that's the only thing you have. The only thing you can fight for. 

I didn't ask for much, just a little thought.

Nothing in return. 

Just, nothing. Cause expectation leads to un-satisfaction, and that leads to depression. 

How? 

Cause everyone can point a finger and say, you're lacking attention. But for you to have come to the extend of understanding a persons situation couldn't think of a way to help.

Why?

It's a simple act of kindness.. It's like watching a child starve, while you just walk pass and throw your food in the bin because you couldn't finish it. 

Cruel?

No one asked for your life, just some care, to be handled with so they know that somewhere around there, there is a bigger picture to what we're looking at now. 

We all know the bitter truth.

What is the excuse?

Down memory lane.. i don't know if it's a good feeling.

You have a choice, some don't. Why take the risk, on something you love?

"You can never live the past," they said. "What if it's not meant to be," she said. 

...shall forever be a confused soul.

Happy World Animal Day!

“Animals are reliable, many full of love, true in their affections, predictable in their actions, grateful and loyal. Difficult standards for people to live up to.”

My kind of happiness.. :) 

Where is the love?

I don't even know where to start.. 

A morning being awake to a life, that is so blessed, thinking it's all so right. Then you realize that you have a small space in the heart, which feels so empty, so cold.. But then people come along, tell you there's much better things in life to experience than just love. But wait, when you like something so much, God, family, passion, object, animal, the term you use is love. You love something, cause there's no bigger feeling than love, no stronger word than love, i feel. And yet people misuse the strong word. We sinned. Who doesn't miss being pampered? Who doesn't like the attention of having someone control you over, say don't do this, i'm jealous. Who? Missing the hugs? The comfort of having someone so close, to yourself, to your family even.. to have the all access pass to get the freedom to be yourself in front of them, show them who makes you so happy.. 

"To have someone you love so much, who is the reason behind your random smiles.. bring him home, look

at him in the eye, in front of the rest, smile.. and know that he's the reason for your happiness. 

No matter how hard the situation is, you know you'll make it work.."

You wan't to start a war?

Push my buttons and i'll make sure you don't have any. 

Mofo's everywhere. 

Ladeeedaaa.

So, how to not make it all so boring. 

Talking, chatting, not being able to see the expressions, not knowing if that person is even the person who you see in the picture.. and all that can lead to being so close to someone, that you unknowingly let yourself be yourself, and you only realize when you think about how much this person makes you laugh. :) Yes, i'm weird. Haha, but you're weird-er.

  

This one is for you, Komel. 

Crazy how we used to fit, you used to be my it. 

Questioning your own feelings.

ஏன்?

Her insecurities are unimaginable. Yes, she can't imagine. When she's told that she isn't good enough, somehow, no matter how much it's true, it will never feel true. Who wants to be that girl that fall everytime? Who wants to be that person that gives in the easiest. Who? I guess she never learned. She made her mistakes, but the fear of making another one, scary. 

She means everything that she says, she wishes you'd stay a little longer.. Long enough for it to work someday. 

Tell me why?

What satisfaction do you get breaking a broken heart?
How do you have the heart, watching it suffer in pain?

Aren't you something..?

Why? Why do you make me laugh so hard? You're currently the only addiction to my insomnia.

Fight fear for the selfish pain, it was worth it every time.

Selfish, is what we know..

We always wonder, how god made us. Why, what made him add the certain "qualities" that we have. 

Pain, torture, misery. 

Things that most people wish they didn't have. But with an eraser to remove all the pain, a pencil to write a whole new story to your life, is a chance that God threw to most of us.. guess someone didn't get the handbook.

A pencil? Maybe. 

The sad beauty to this story is how it begins. From only being used for a purpose, the idea degrades what this relationship holds. We walk a path, choosing to take the pencil wherever we go, hoping to write a story in the journey life leads us to. Attached to the pencil, is a small eraser, to remove the mistakes as the journey doesn't end.. Keep walking, as we meet new things, even new gifts, and life rewards you with a pen. Keep writing as you go, and you make a mistake, and you can only cover it up, but nothing will chance what happened. Even then, you take both with you when suddenly the use of the pencil doesn't seem important as it used to. Not wanting to get rid of the pencil, we throw the attention to the pen, which makes us feel brand new, but the pen runs out of ink.. Throwing it aside, you try to figure ways to make use of the pencil again, but this time, only because you need it that badly to write the story. Writing it with such depth, you make a mistake. Hoping and wondering, the eraser comes to use. Every mistake made, ate bits of the eraser.. sharpening the pencil only made it smaller.. yet your journey never ends. When you realize that your story is coming to and end, you notice that the pencil was there, but smaller.. only because it gave so much use to your life.. sitting there, you wonder how much it made your life what it is now, but only that you couldn't do what it did for you, but take everything it gave to make your life better than what you had before this gift came.. You save the last bit of the pencil, hoping that it wont go away, because comparing your life to the story, the pencil was the only reason why you even had, a story.

A friend walks the mile, erasing your mistakes even when it takes a bit of their life afar. Somehow, life uses up the people as they are, but its realizing how much you need them till the end, to make sure that they last. My pencil could erase my mistakes, my pencil made my life what it is. I am lucky i realized it soon, cause i could have lost my pencil in the mids of writing my story.

I could never write, never create. But if writing my own story means losing my pencil, i'd give up a whole chapter just to keep my pencil till the end. 

P.s: I was blessed enough to find you. You're a keeper. 

I don't know how to do this anymore.

Maybe i did give it up

Sometimes it'll be nice to know someone cares, to make you believe. Make you feel what you once felt, but this time better. Not just a passing cloud, but an honest halt.

My heart shattered, and there was nothing left of it.

Love.

You keep searching, and one day you give up. 

You keep wanting, and the next day, you don't anymore. 

You keep yearning, and when it comes, it doesn't feel the same. 

You keep feeling like nothing works, but then you settle in to what never did. 

You keep hoping that someday you'll be happy, then you realize you only made yourself feel worse..

In the mid of finding myself, i found a character. I wondered and walked, trying to figure out why and how are some people the way they are they way they are and what made them. And then there's a story.. 

Being bullied. Being called names? Then you are pushed down so low, that you built yourself back up by making yourself better than you were, better than the rest of them; you said. How does this reflect on how you feel? Somehow you just feel even worse than what you are. Worse than what you actually you felt. 

How does it all sum up to this; what you are. It's like watching your mum being abused, and the growing up with the anger and eventually abusing your wife. How is that going to change anything? You watch a mistake, you learn from that. If you think that living the life of a billed victim is bad, there are worse. So what if they made fun of you? So what if they hurt you? Now you're much better, and here's where you should never make the same mistakes they did, to look at people the way they did, to look them down, to make them feel like they're not worth. No one deserves to be judged. 

P.s: Maybe i don't need the piece cause, if it doesn't fit i can't make it fit.. It's like messing the shape to define perfection.

Cause i don't want to lose you now..

They say people cross your life for a reason, i didn't think you had a reason, but i have a list of what you permanently left in my heart. I mean it when i say i miss you, i mean it when i say nothing will ever come between us.. parents, friends, boyfriends, even husbands. Nothing, nothing that even god would let us live our live cause he knows how much happiness we radiate with a relationship that started with no label. But here we are, with no label that can describe our bond, best friends? Much more than that, soul sisters. You know how i feel even when i feel like i can win a Oscar for acting that well.. I guess that's how special we are. I swear if there's one thing that fears me right now is if all this was just a dream, and i wake up to that scene when we fought, for my faults, i would have lost you.. And they said, "choose your friends wisely.." well.. I didn't choose, that's why i got so lucky, but i'm glad that i chose to stay. And i'm staying for a very long time, i promise you. Cause i don't want to lose you now, honestly, i feel like i'm looking at the other half of me. No one ever said the person that completes you should be your soul mate, mine was my bitchu.

 You'll change inside when you realize, the world comes to life and everything's right, from beginning to end when you have a friend by your side, that helps you to find the beauty you are, when you open your heart and believe in the gift of a friend.

Anger management.

Straight to the point. 

By saying you wont hurt someone, it's not going to prove how genuine you are. Practice, practice what you preach. Same thing over and over again. Because of this, trust no longer exists, and what's worse, you mean so much to me. Yes you're hurting me, yes what you are doing is wrong. So stop, i know your moves, i know what you do to cover your mistakes. I know what you're planning, and i know your strategies are. It's over, this is the extend, i give up. I don't have the strength to lose you too. 

Because it's like that.

Middle Child: Old enough to be responsible for your actions, but too young for your opinions to count.

Foggy eyes, sleepless nights. Hopeful dreams, please take me away.

I fought, to be let down. 

I risked, to be cheated on. 

I let lose, to be torn apart. 

I hoped, to have it all,

snatched away. 

P.s: Screw you. 

Where did i go wrong?

Maybe i lost it all. Maybe this is the end. I give up. Not on life, but on trying.
It's funny how you once let me do anything i thought that was right, and now i'm left with something that you raised me up with. It's for my own good, yeah, but the nice people aren't around anymore. You don't know how lonely it gets being here, day after day hoping for a change when everyone who came left with the same excuse. I give it all up, i've done everything according to what everyone wants, but nothing for what i want. I went with what they thought was right, i went with their choices, i went with anything you and the world kept showing me was right, but i'm here. Here i am, still struggling for something my answers will never come to. I know you care, i know you all do. But when i needed you to care the most, you were never there, but here i am, getting it all, and you care cause im getting it? I dont even understand this whole thing. I don't know what and which, but im done. I can't be this corpse walking around with something i know i can't live without. You taught me how to live, and you should let me.. what am i doing wrong? I know you wan't to protect me, but its easy for you to say the things you want to, but you never understand what i'm going through, literal pain, inside out. Everything that comes out of me has, i don't know all over it. You probably won't get this pain. Is there anything else that is possibly to be taken? Take it all, just take it. Cause i've been giving and expecting nothing in return. Take it all! Just fuck off, when you have it. And let me tell you your final game, you lost. You lost.

?

Insecurity is a bitch, bro.

Practice what you damn preach. 

You think the world revolves around what you think it should be like? Think again, cause when you walk out everyday keeping your head held so high, you mistake the indirect hate for reality and live with it. Who's losing? You are. Just because. Just because you think its right, it wont make it all right, you forget the whole idea of a stereotypical mind, in which the arrow is pointing directly at your head now. Admit it, you wont stand a chance next to the things i, or anyone would have to say about you, and the way you are, but i wont stoop so low. Ever heard of this word, "personality"? I'm sure you've not, cause the last time i checked, you are the only candidate running for the 'worst personality' category. So congrats, you won. Since you've always wanted to be on top, there, you have it. And the next time you come around asking ME to know what I'M saying, i'll remember to shove a fucking knife down your throat. And please, save the crap for someone with a same level of bullshit as you. Your argument is not accepted here. 

P.s: You just know how to ruin a good day.

This is about a life, just a life.

Rise up. 

Confidence? Yes, well, you don't know me that well then. I fought, till the end, cause helping the world starts from the smallest thing you see in your daily life. I'm sorry i didn't stand by you, you took me for granted love. I was there, without fail when you needed me. Day and night, just for you, but you just took me, and stomped so hard on the pieces that i tried holding on to. I did, i still fought. Cause i knew that my life was worth it because you got me out of my shell, you did.. but, you are the only one who is bringing me back into the shell.. i learnt and now i won't let myself there again, ever. Cause it will mean no effort to what you taught me. I love you, and you know that. But the pain i have to handle every time i feel this insecurity kills me and drags me down to a million miles and i keep needing to find the strength to get back up. I'll be here, always if you need me, but not as what i used to be. I'm sorry i can't be. I just know that if i'm there, we will end up being strangers which will sting even more than it feels now, cause you and i are like, more than what we are. Laughs, memories, pain, tears.. you were there. But, i guess i'm just giving it up.

 I can't take the pain anymore. I'm sorry. But i promise i will be there, always. 

P.s: I always did, more then you can imagine.

What is wrong?

Over thinking

Over thinking

Over thinking

Cause sometimes, even pictures need description..

...because they said, the pain wont last forever.

You've got a big ego.. such a big ego.

Alright. 
So yes, i did come down to you. That did prove that my ego was really small, and that yours was much bigger than mine. You win? No. You lost. I thought all that fluttery was for me, but i guess not. :) Maybe i was right, cause right now, the one that is not talking is you. Not being able to explain yourself, you. Not letting it go, you. I tired, but you never understood why i did what i did. All you can think of is how much you are right, when you think you are, when you are not. NOT. I'm sorry, but you lost your chance. I was stupid enough to come back, and say sorry even. You couldn't care less. It's a pity cause, i think my years have been about dropping people as i go. You came into the list? You wanted to. I will miss you, cause i thought i might have you with me.. till someday. I thought. And i thought wrong. Don't i always? Haha. Talk about love, maybe i was the one that felt it. Loved you always. A passerby. 

You're the best I've ever had.

No more turning back.

♥ 

I'm never here, unless..

After sometime, i should say. 
What went wrong? Who knows. It's a difficult situation when you know that you did something that you will eventually regret. But that something meant a lot to me. We are hidden, and we are unknown. We shared so much, at least i think i did. Cause you were always so closed up about your life. It didn't bother me, tho. It's impossible to even ask you now to read this, and understand why i did what i did, but it's no use now. I should really be the one backing off. I went over my limit, i really did. I didn't realize it back then, but after having to see things that dug up the past, i had to force myself to walk into reality. If you didn't know, which i'm pretty sure you know cause i told you, i was once the girl who was fighting for her other half from some b*tch. Now looking at how situations are, i thought maybe it was my rights to actually ask to clarify things that i needed to know. Rude you think? Not a proper way? Cause i'm pretty sure compared to the way you answered me, the way i asked you was more like i was begging, and not questioning. I don't want to be a hypocrite in my own story, and that is why i asked. But you had to overreact. Just answering me would not kill, cause i remember you say, i wont hide a thing from you. I didn't, you did. What i saw, was what i saw. What i heard, was even more confusing to be compared to what i saw. So you had your pick. Walk away you say? That is what i did. Cause i've heard more painful words than the ones you threw at me. "Not my...to question me.." So i know where and what my position is. If there is one person to apologize, it is you. And i'm not looking forward to it, cause to you, this is a "challenge", nothing is a serious matter. So there you go. :) I do miss you, i thought we meant something. It's okay. It means nothing now, cause i've heard to much to believe that this is worth fighting for. 

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.

Sadly, yours did. 

Just, don't break it again.. cause it's not yours to let it fall.

If it's true love, it's meant to last. Just, going around announcing that it's true, is not going to make it. :) People change, and i hope you do, for the better? If it's not me, then maybe someone else. But just, don't degrade the bond, but fixing a lie. If its a lie, tell me, i'd take it. If you're moving on, tell me that too, i'd face it. If you're just staying to kill my time and yours, please, just drop this, let's just give it up. We all made mistakes, i did too. Something i cant tell you now, cause i'll be the weaker one. You meant the world to me, cause right now, if the day was ending, i'd still have you on my mind. Sadly the hatred conqured this messed up mind, and i'll im left with is "why did you", and "why didn't you". We never had a perfect ending, but i know that few month, we're the best i could have asked for. Like they say, if we're meant to meet, we'll meet somewhere around the corner, where reality will set the chained hearts free.

 

To where you stand now, it's impossible for me. Cause i'm always going to look like the bad guy even if they don't have the prove.

P.S: It's not to confirm anything, but it's so that somehow, you'd know and you'd believe that i did love you more. :) Friends? Strangers? It's not for us to decide anymore.

Happy Birthday, Me!

Why do i do this to myself?
Haha, most of us do. :) Happy Birthday, Me. It's been sometime, since i took the time to know who i really am. And i think i'm still finding this person.. Hopes and dreams. I will fulfill them. My love for art, music, and love, will never die. Living in this planet where people cheat, kill, betray, i'm sick of the feeling. Wanting to be needed, and loved. Why? Just because it was once what i wanted?
No more surprises, no more parties. :) Who knew, that something like this would happen. Mood-less? Maybe.
When did you become so caring? When did you ever wanted me to be safe? Why now? I thought this ended last year, when we decided to walk out on eachother. Why now? You make me feel weak.. you really do. I never thought it would be this hard to even think of the odds of talking to you. And here i am, thinking about you. Wishing we had never made those promises, and set those dreams. Cause right now, thinking about it kills me more than ever. Miss you? I missed you, once. Anyways, i'm glad we have something to say we are friends. That, i'm glad.

Wish list? :p More to achievements. 

1. London, School of Arts and Design.
2. Canon 5D Mark II
3. A photography page, set up. 
4. A Soprano Saxophone, Yanagisawa?
5. Drivers licence -__-
6. A car! 
7. 100 different colored Sharpies. :) 
8. A human sized Cookie Monster?
9. A nice watch, that fits my wrist perfectly.
10. A gold necklace, super thin, gold. 

That's the best i can think of.. :) 

March? Why?

I wish this month never existed. I really do wish. I thought that was the worst, but here i am, again hoping that i wished for something better on my last birthday to have something a bit more worth while now. I wish i was strong enough to face all these at once. But i'm not. Have some mercy on me, what did i do wrong? What did we do wrong? All the people who left the rest broken are living happily and we, the ones who took the courtesy to make sure everyone feels right, are the ones left behind, pain, torture, misery. Mistakes, and i wish i didn't fall into this.

You know the feeling when you are so broken, that you don't know if its feelings, or the fact that you have no feelings anymore? Yeah, that. 

Tell me why? You're so hard to forget.

       Memories, supposed to fade.. what's wrong with my heart, shake it off, let it go.. i didn't think it'll be this hard.. should be strong, moving on.. But i see you sometimes i try to hide, what i feel inside and i turn.. around.. you're with her now.. I just can't figure this out.

I won't forget you.

“Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting.” 

  Crazy blogger on board. Speechless? People come, and go. And some make the effort to stay, and you did. I really do appreciate that. After all that you've gone through, be it real or not, you still went through so much to have even said it, the way you did.. I know you're hurt, and that was something i never wanted. But words fail me, when i really want to say the right things. You and i, are two different world, for now. And when i said it wont work out, i had a reason. We've spoken so many things, in this little time we shared. And i'm glad you said all the things you wanted to. I truly know the feeling of being on the other end, and i will never make you feel the way i did. I tend to make best friends through situations like this.. like they say, "you avoid the ones who love you, and love the ones who avoid you." I am guessing i'm that person now. Don't hurt, please. I am trying all i can to please you, if not for me, its you. I know I've said things i wish i could take back now, but that doesn't change the way i feel for you, ever. Thanks for listening to me, the way i do to you.. people keep asking me if you and i have something for each other. That's not how it is. I like the way you think, and i'm sure you'll somehow somewhere find the one that will be the girl you described to me. You  deserve better, better than me. I don't mean to lead you on when we hang. Remember how you said you're always alone and you never had anyone to talk to, that's why. You're a really good friend, more like family. And i will treasure you forever, i promise. 

P.s.: I never intentionally wanted to give you the wrong idea. I know the pain, and over my dead body i would make someone feel the way i did. 

The pain chocks.

Being invisible would be the best feeling right now. I'm broken. Torn apart. And of all the times to have felt this, it's on my birthday month? I'm sorry.. I shouldn't complain too much, but this is the only place I'm left with to pour the miseries out. You ruined me, and now you're happy? It's chocking me, to see you like this. To know that I was once so madly in love with you, but all I am now, is a used item. I'm sure you'll love no one like her, remember the dialogue. And yes, I'm being unfair. Know why? Cause it's you! You ruined it all for me, and now you're happy? Sure.

Sometimes I wish I was mentally stronger. 

P.s.: Mr. All smiles, I wish I had you.. The pain wouldn't hurt much. 

I knew you were trouble when you walked in..

Let me give your heart a break, i know you can heal mine. 

For me, this is just enough..

After a long time, being all depressed about things, something hit me.. Not literally, but yeah.. it kinda hurt, but it brought me to a realization point, where i realized, that this life is probably the only one i'm gonna get with anyone.. As much as most of us believe in reincarnation, it's merely the chance you know that you'll remember the things that happened in your past life.. I choose to live it now. I mean, not by taking all the risks and being a pain. But doing what my hearts tells me. Being me? I made mistakes, i admit, but looking at it at different angles, i feel like people i know, just keep their secrets. I do, but not the ones that should be told. You lied.. I know you are.. i wish i knew for sure. I miss you? Maybe, what we had.. those little things. But i made a choice, and i will face the consequences.

What have i done?

Everything i thought was wrong, and everything they thought was wrong. Everything we assumed was wrong, and what i sub-consciously knew was right, and my heart didn't bother looking into it, trying to prove a point. I made a mistake, please forgive me. I really never, wanted to make it feel this way. I confessed thinking you'd feel something somewhere. I was wrong. I really was. Kill me? I'll jump off a cliff if anything gets ruined because of what i did. I'm sorry everyone, i really am. 

A big mistake, it is. 

Am i going through six degrees of seperation?

"Every stroke of paint, and every scratch of coal, never looked as perfect as what i drew of you.."

 

What the world doesn't know is that, being judgemental about people isn't the right way to help the confused one. Cause all they ever ask for is some words that will make them feel better, even if at that moment it's the wrong thing to say. If you really think you know someone, then why aren't you the better person yourself? The reason why we are all created differently is because somehow, someway, things are supposed to be that way so the puzzle fits in the end. It's been 5 months, if im not mistakened. It felt like hell, then it felt so numb, now, its just yearnings and questions. Even if they aren't about him, its about other things in life that came along with this solution. I won't ask why did you do this to me, because it happened. But i wanna ask, why can't i move on? I try, and i end up feeling like im never going to be ready to face someone, because the fear of losing another person kills me inside out. A crush? I won't deny, but even that drives me nuts.. You look at me like im the only thing that you wanna look at, you stare when im not looking, you smile like i mean the world to you, you just.. you just are you, but i keep feeling like all that you do are for me? Are they? The only thing that stops me from coming to you, and telling you what i might feel is, the fear of losing you entirely for a stupid judgemental idea that i had of what you did, which intentionally was normal. But... its not. Its not normal. Because you only do that to me. Me. Only me. Call me crazy, you are the reason why im here, with butterflies in my tummy, you. If i hadnt met you that day, if i didn't go with the things you did.. if i didn't catch you looking at me, if you weren't the nice, caring guy you are. If and only if. I just want to know, but how? And what if what i get to know isnt what i want to know? Bare with me, im confused.. But i just wish i had the answers, but then again.. what's the point of questions when the answer is always found before even having to say it. I'm using too many "buts".. Sigh, only time can answer my questions with no pain.. Nights yo.