Crazy how we used to fit, you used to be my it. 

Questioning your own feelings.

ஏன்?

Her insecurities are unimaginable. Yes, she can't imagine. When she's told that she isn't good enough, somehow, no matter how much it's true, it will never feel true. Who wants to be that girl that fall everytime? Who wants to be that person that gives in the easiest. Who? I guess she never learned. She made her mistakes, but the fear of making another one, scary. 

She means everything that she says, she wishes you'd stay a little longer.. Long enough for it to work someday. 

Tell me why?

What satisfaction do you get breaking a broken heart?
How do you have the heart, watching it suffer in pain?

Aren't you something..?

Why? Why do you make me laugh so hard? You're currently the only addiction to my insomnia.

Fight fear for the selfish pain, it was worth it every time.

Selfish, is what we know..

We always wonder, how god made us. Why, what made him add the certain "qualities" that we have. 

Pain, torture, misery. 

Things that most people wish they didn't have. But with an eraser to remove all the pain, a pencil to write a whole new story to your life, is a chance that God threw to most of us.. guess someone didn't get the handbook.

A pencil? Maybe. 

The sad beauty to this story is how it begins. From only being used for a purpose, the idea degrades what this relationship holds. We walk a path, choosing to take the pencil wherever we go, hoping to write a story in the journey life leads us to. Attached to the pencil, is a small eraser, to remove the mistakes as the journey doesn't end.. Keep walking, as we meet new things, even new gifts, and life rewards you with a pen. Keep writing as you go, and you make a mistake, and you can only cover it up, but nothing will chance what happened. Even then, you take both with you when suddenly the use of the pencil doesn't seem important as it used to. Not wanting to get rid of the pencil, we throw the attention to the pen, which makes us feel brand new, but the pen runs out of ink.. Throwing it aside, you try to figure ways to make use of the pencil again, but this time, only because you need it that badly to write the story. Writing it with such depth, you make a mistake. Hoping and wondering, the eraser comes to use. Every mistake made, ate bits of the eraser.. sharpening the pencil only made it smaller.. yet your journey never ends. When you realize that your story is coming to and end, you notice that the pencil was there, but smaller.. only because it gave so much use to your life.. sitting there, you wonder how much it made your life what it is now, but only that you couldn't do what it did for you, but take everything it gave to make your life better than what you had before this gift came.. You save the last bit of the pencil, hoping that it wont go away, because comparing your life to the story, the pencil was the only reason why you even had, a story.

A friend walks the mile, erasing your mistakes even when it takes a bit of their life afar. Somehow, life uses up the people as they are, but its realizing how much you need them till the end, to make sure that they last. My pencil could erase my mistakes, my pencil made my life what it is. I am lucky i realized it soon, cause i could have lost my pencil in the mids of writing my story.

I could never write, never create. But if writing my own story means losing my pencil, i'd give up a whole chapter just to keep my pencil till the end. 

P.s: I was blessed enough to find you. You're a keeper. 

I don't know how to do this anymore.

Maybe i did give it up

Sometimes it'll be nice to know someone cares, to make you believe. Make you feel what you once felt, but this time better. Not just a passing cloud, but an honest halt.

My heart shattered, and there was nothing left of it.

Love.

You keep searching, and one day you give up. 

You keep wanting, and the next day, you don't anymore. 

You keep yearning, and when it comes, it doesn't feel the same. 

You keep feeling like nothing works, but then you settle in to what never did. 

You keep hoping that someday you'll be happy, then you realize you only made yourself feel worse..

In the mid of finding myself, i found a character. I wondered and walked, trying to figure out why and how are some people the way they are they way they are and what made them. And then there's a story.. 

Being bullied. Being called names? Then you are pushed down so low, that you built yourself back up by making yourself better than you were, better than the rest of them; you said. How does this reflect on how you feel? Somehow you just feel even worse than what you are. Worse than what you actually you felt. 

How does it all sum up to this; what you are. It's like watching your mum being abused, and the growing up with the anger and eventually abusing your wife. How is that going to change anything? You watch a mistake, you learn from that. If you think that living the life of a billed victim is bad, there are worse. So what if they made fun of you? So what if they hurt you? Now you're much better, and here's where you should never make the same mistakes they did, to look at people the way they did, to look them down, to make them feel like they're not worth. No one deserves to be judged. 

P.s: Maybe i don't need the piece cause, if it doesn't fit i can't make it fit.. It's like messing the shape to define perfection.

Cause i don't want to lose you now..

They say people cross your life for a reason, i didn't think you had a reason, but i have a list of what you permanently left in my heart. I mean it when i say i miss you, i mean it when i say nothing will ever come between us.. parents, friends, boyfriends, even husbands. Nothing, nothing that even god would let us live our live cause he knows how much happiness we radiate with a relationship that started with no label. But here we are, with no label that can describe our bond, best friends? Much more than that, soul sisters. You know how i feel even when i feel like i can win a Oscar for acting that well.. I guess that's how special we are. I swear if there's one thing that fears me right now is if all this was just a dream, and i wake up to that scene when we fought, for my faults, i would have lost you.. And they said, "choose your friends wisely.." well.. I didn't choose, that's why i got so lucky, but i'm glad that i chose to stay. And i'm staying for a very long time, i promise you. Cause i don't want to lose you now, honestly, i feel like i'm looking at the other half of me. No one ever said the person that completes you should be your soul mate, mine was my bitchu.

 You'll change inside when you realize, the world comes to life and everything's right, from beginning to end when you have a friend by your side, that helps you to find the beauty you are, when you open your heart and believe in the gift of a friend.