I knew you were trouble when you walked in..

Let me give your heart a break, i know you can heal mine. 

For me, this is just enough..

After a long time, being all depressed about things, something hit me.. Not literally, but yeah.. it kinda hurt, but it brought me to a realization point, where i realized, that this life is probably the only one i'm gonna get with anyone.. As much as most of us believe in reincarnation, it's merely the chance you know that you'll remember the things that happened in your past life.. I choose to live it now. I mean, not by taking all the risks and being a pain. But doing what my hearts tells me. Being me? I made mistakes, i admit, but looking at it at different angles, i feel like people i know, just keep their secrets. I do, but not the ones that should be told. You lied.. I know you are.. i wish i knew for sure. I miss you? Maybe, what we had.. those little things. But i made a choice, and i will face the consequences.

What have i done?

Everything i thought was wrong, and everything they thought was wrong. Everything we assumed was wrong, and what i sub-consciously knew was right, and my heart didn't bother looking into it, trying to prove a point. I made a mistake, please forgive me. I really never, wanted to make it feel this way. I confessed thinking you'd feel something somewhere. I was wrong. I really was. Kill me? I'll jump off a cliff if anything gets ruined because of what i did. I'm sorry everyone, i really am. 

A big mistake, it is. 

Am i going through six degrees of seperation?

"Every stroke of paint, and every scratch of coal, never looked as perfect as what i drew of you.."

 

What the world doesn't know is that, being judgemental about people isn't the right way to help the confused one. Cause all they ever ask for is some words that will make them feel better, even if at that moment it's the wrong thing to say. If you really think you know someone, then why aren't you the better person yourself? The reason why we are all created differently is because somehow, someway, things are supposed to be that way so the puzzle fits in the end. It's been 5 months, if im not mistakened. It felt like hell, then it felt so numb, now, its just yearnings and questions. Even if they aren't about him, its about other things in life that came along with this solution. I won't ask why did you do this to me, because it happened. But i wanna ask, why can't i move on? I try, and i end up feeling like im never going to be ready to face someone, because the fear of losing another person kills me inside out. A crush? I won't deny, but even that drives me nuts.. You look at me like im the only thing that you wanna look at, you stare when im not looking, you smile like i mean the world to you, you just.. you just are you, but i keep feeling like all that you do are for me? Are they? The only thing that stops me from coming to you, and telling you what i might feel is, the fear of losing you entirely for a stupid judgemental idea that i had of what you did, which intentionally was normal. But... its not. Its not normal. Because you only do that to me. Me. Only me. Call me crazy, you are the reason why im here, with butterflies in my tummy, you. If i hadnt met you that day, if i didn't go with the things you did.. if i didn't catch you looking at me, if you weren't the nice, caring guy you are. If and only if. I just want to know, but how? And what if what i get to know isnt what i want to know? Bare with me, im confused.. But i just wish i had the answers, but then again.. what's the point of questions when the answer is always found before even having to say it. I'm using too many "buts".. Sigh, only time can answer my questions with no pain.. Nights yo.

I wish..

I would drop on the floor and beg for you not to go. But you left me so tied up. It's unfair. With you, it always is.. I didn't ask for anything other than truth. After all those moments that we've been through, it sucks to know that you'd just walk away from me with no emotions. Yes, i know that i shouldn't be saying this cause i called it off the first time, but you should know very well why. Not out of hatred, but because i wanted you to know that you might lose me if you went on with all the crap you did. But now, you just walked away. Is this revenge? Does it make you feel any better? Tell me. Cause i deserve to know this, at least. You don't know how much you put me through and now, you're just back to your normal life. Don't tell me that you are sobbing away all night, cause i know that is not you. You'd stay sad when you think of me, then its you all over again. Even after all the thing, i still had the courtesy to ask you if you were alright, and all i got was silence. I swear, it's unfair. Nothing will be okay, and it's not easy to say. The pain will never fade, cause you let it go.

When all that you've tried, leaves nothing but holes inside. 

Just wash it off.

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason i have trust issues. 

How many times do you want to tell the world your problem? I mean, okay, you need to talk, so? Done, get over it. The point of "wanting to talk to someone", is so you can get the burden off. But telling one after another? It's not the pain that's bothering you, its just that you're wanting to show the world how much, you so called "don't care" about the thing you're always complaining about, so people can go, "aww, what a pity". Get a grip, seriously. You complain about the world, and how they are so off their track, and careless about things, have you ever wondered what you're like? Have you ever wondered what if you were treated they way you treat them? Obviously you'd deny it. Because you're so driven into this whole "nice person" act, you can't even see past your own makeup. Say all you want. Threaten me all you can. Cause to you, i'm just messed up. List down all the people you've bitched about, and cursed with anger. Not one would stand beyond the line. WASH THE DAMN MAKEUP OFF YOUR FACE. You're not going to get anything out of being this person you are now. Your lies, are all out in front. Your backstabbing words are shining bright. Things that you thought i didn't know, i know them now. I made a big mistake, believing that this would never come up. It only never came up because i never made a big deal out of it. You make scenes like you're in a movie. Why did you have to become this, this thing. It's such a pity. From who they thought you we're and to who you are becoming. It's too late, i mean it. I gave up, on trying to get people to stick to who they are, and i'm especially tired of going through this shit over and over again with you. I respect you, and your decisions. So go on, make use of someone else, i quit. I'll get used to it.

This is it. It's just that.

I promised i wont be the one. I promised we'll work things out. I promised.. I'm sorry. It hurts, and it stings. But i know that you are the only one that i can feel this way for, ever. I've become so numb. Through your lies, and words. Through their commands, and rules. I've become this walking corpse. I promise this is the last. I don't need any of this. I'm sorry for the pain i caused. I'm sorry i lead you on. But if you believe it being meant to be, then you're on my side. I'll come for that day. I promise you this.

All the right words.